Valentine's Day is approaching my liddle butterballs, and here is a list of the presents and meaningful little trinkets I plan to give to one of you lucky ladies..

1) Chocolates with a weird taste to them because all of the cocoa butter has seeped up and through to the outside, giving it a sort of beige complexion.

2) A fluffy teddybear carrying a heart that is infact turns evil when you press the button, expecting a happy little tune to come forth from it.

3) A pumping, throbbing, bloody pig's heart enveloped in foil shaped like a swan.

4) Urea Delight Champagne...aged for 10 years.

5) The "Shit Bitch, you is fine" bear from The Onion.

6) Candy hearts made up of carefully shaped, dyed cocaine rocks.

7) Lacy lingerie DRIPPING with herpes.

8) Flowers that are closed and when they open killer bees fly out of them.

9) A diamond necklace made out of shards of glass.

10) ME!

Happy D-day, I uh, mean...V-Day...